THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ON THE NIGHT OF THE WEDDING BUT DUE TO SEVERAL REASONS, TECHNICAL AND PERSONAL, THE POST WAS NEVER UPLOADED UNTIL NOW!
Okay, tell a slight lie, I was there to see my best friend of over twenty years get hitched…but cake was involved and I love me some cake. So I get to the church and I sit down looking FAF (fit as fook) in my awesome grey silver suit and my sick new haircut. Seriously, people, I was hot shit and was definitely the
fattest sexiest there. Anyway, we’re waiting for the bride to make her way down the aisle. Typical of my best friend, she is 15 minutes late. People wonder where she’s got to, jokingly wondered whether she did a runner or whether she even forgot the date and thought it was the next day but I just roll my eyes and start laughing. I genuinely thought she was putting the finishing touches to her signature green/purple eye make-up or whether she was having a woman moment and just having a moan but I hear the music start up and instantly, I smile. It’s not just because my best friend is happy and she’s getting married but it’s because I’m hearing Tale as Old as Time from Beauty and the Beast (fun fact: Anything Disney puts a smile on my face…except for Alice in Wonderland or Oliver & Company…ain’t nobody got time for that!)
So she’s down the aisle and words were exchanged, vows were said, the Bible was read and no exorcism was needed for me. Anyway, it was all very sweet and romantic and I’m not normally a wedding kind of guy but that shit did have me smiling- that may have possibly been because 1. my suit was on fleek, 2. Disney and 3. I knew cake was just around the corner. On a serious note, I love romance though. Evidently, I love the wedding buffet and cake even more. Come on, lads, let’s admit it, it’s why we all love a good wedding.
So after the mushiness is said and done, they try to exit to Cinderella’s grand finale but the CD jammed. Oh shit, are we going to be here until they fix the stereo? Won’t I ever get to the buffet on time? Did you see what I did there? SO MANY QUESTIONS! However, the church got their act together, fixed their stereo and we could leave.
We go outside and get our photos taken. Obviously I could have been in every one of them but the day wasn’t about me…for once. After several friends and family photos taken, she calls me over and asks for one of just me and her, which got me in the feels a little, dudes. So her and I had a photo taken and we had one with Scott too. I actually had to kneel down because she’s a short-arse and I’m a lanky bastard (shame I wasn’t thin as well but we can’t have everything in life).
So I got to ride in a Hummer Limo! A LIMO! WOO! I had glasses of champagne with Omi’s Cheerleader blasting, watching all the basic bitches drive their basic cars. I felt amazing. I felt the power surging through my head…or that could have possibly been the champagne. Look at what limousines do to your mind! They change them instantly and you’re suddenly snobby!
Anyway, we get to the hall where the reception is being held and it’s all done and kitted out beautifully. So after the beautiful, touching speeches where the groom welled up a little, the lunch came. It was roast chicken with all the vegetables, roast potatoes and Yorkshire puddings. Out of the whole of the wedding, it was that meal that made me want to cry. It was just beautifully cooked. Nah, I kid…I just got a little emotional…I sat on the table with Jade’s family, who I’ve known and have been close to for years and watched as they all made speeches and we laugh and cried.
Now the big question on everyone’s mind; Did I have some cake? Well, the only way to end a day so great would be cake. Surely there was some cake…WHERE WAS THE CAKE?! GIVE ME THE CAKE!
…of course I bloody had cake. It’s a wedding! I had a scone and a couple of cupcakes. No biggie. I pretty much danced it off anyway showing bitches not to touch my Cha Cha Slide or even approach me and disrespect my Macarena. They watched me whip and watched me nae nae and I worked up an appetite and helped myself to the buffet. I guess the point to this post is that you can have a day off and still be doing active things to burn calories.
But on another note, I’d just like to wish Jade and Scott all of the happiness the future may bring them and I wish them a long, healthy and happy life together. See, guys, romance isn’t dead. You just need to find it or maybe it could even find you.
And for all of you out there that deny true love exists, here’s a picture that is proof it does: